Speak in Espanish....

So I have been feeling relatively incompetent regarding my Spanish lately. For about the last 2 weeks, I have been answering questions (asked in Spanish) with English, conjugating verbs incorrectly, coming to terms with my profound lack of familiarity with the subjunctive, and avoiding writing any form of the language for fear that anybody who reads it will finally realize that I've really just been faking it all along. When people comment or compliment me on my speaking abilities, I politely smile and say thank you, and convince myself that it's all just a grand lie, made up to console me for my pathetic efforts. I had a visit with the foreigner's office this week, which of course, left me with the feeling that I am only about 70% conscious of what is going on in my life.

So that's a little frustrating.

But this has to be the low swing of a vicious cycle.
I promise you that there are other days when I wake up feeling like Spanish could be my native tongue. There are times when it takes every ounce of willpower to respond to my friends and family in English, because everything in me just wants to rattle of the Spanish words instead. There are days when, unconsciously, I hear and understand what is being said on the radio -- without even realizing that I was listening to the radio in the first place. And there are days that, when I'm offered a compliment about my Spanish, I graciously accept it, let it puff my chest out a little, and then I keep right on with the conversation, without even skipping a beat of Castellano.

I was talking today with a coworker -- about next year, about going to Sevilla, and about how this year has been. And she told me that my Spanish has gotten a lot better. "You spoke well when you got here," she said, "but now you speak much faster, and I can tell that you understand better." I told her about my recent falling out with the Spanish language, and that it's difficult for me to notice any improvement. But she assured me that everybody else can tell. Let's hope so.

Honestly, despite my recent frustrations, I would probably have to agree that my Spanish has improved quite a bit. Thinking about vocabulary alone -- I can probably say that my vocabulary has increased by at least one word for each day that I have been here. And that's pretty impressive, I suppose. I've learned new expressions and phrases, and I've picked up more of the pause words, the subtle intonations, and the body language that accompanies the spoken words. And I've gotten better at listening as well. It now takes less effort, and I understand more of what's being said.

And perhaps I will gain confidence in my Spanish one of these days, when I finally respond to my students' requests to "speak in Espanish!!" To this point, they are only speculating that I can speak it, as I've never actually spoken to them in Spanish (this has pros and cons, but that's another topic altogether). Rumor has it, though, that I've been speaking to other professors in Spanish, and that, in my moments of weakness, I've let some words slip (that have since been ringing through the hallways as proof that I'm hiding something)! And who knows, maybe next week I'll finally let them in on that secret. When I do, I hope it blows them away. The only downside to this is that, if I do speak to them in Spanish, I'll have to make sure that I don't mess up -- middle schoolers can be brutal. This could be the make-or-break moment for me!

Let's hope that tomorrow is one of those blessed days where the Spanish flows freely. It makes everything here a little easier.